I Am Good Enough

I am a recovering perfectionist.  It's difficult for me to accept things in life and things about myself as "good enough."  I journal about it.  I collect quotes about it.  I talk about it in hopes of diffusing the expectations I place on myself, people, places, and things. I meditate on it.  I pray about it--about how to let it go.  I am better than I used to be, but there are days when the familiar feelings creep in.

Having high standards can be a good thing.  A friend once told me this trait means I have a strong character.  My parents used to call that "stubbornness."  My Gram and John sometimes call that "bossy."  Perhaps those are just a couple of the forms this beast can take on.  I do have a tendency to be bossy...I admit it.  I like to take charge.  I do have high standards.  However, here's the downside; I sometimes have such high standards that the goals I set are tough to achieve or worse yet, when I do reach them I feel dissatisfied.

To me, my most important job is being a mom.  And, so naturally my perfectionism seeps into my role as a mom.  I saw the pictured quote online the other day (see "quote collecting" above).  I have been mulling this over.

Summer vacation just ended.  It's day 2 of the school year.  Monday night these thoughts of how we spent our summer where swirling through my head.  My natural tendency was to beat myself up. I was thinking of the ways I could have done summer better.  Maybe I didn't play with the kids enough.  Maybe there were days I played too much, which was why people were running low on underwear and clean clothes.  We didn't study math facts, but we did read a lot.  We stayed up too late and slept in most of the days of August.  There was fun though...there was a lot of fun.  Fun is important to me.  Fun is the exact opposite of perfection.  Fun says, "I'm lost in the moment."  Fun says, "my face hurts from laughing."  Elliot's sense of humor grew as much as his height this summer.   There were moments he made my face hurt from laughing so much.  Those are the moments I forget about perfection.

I am not a perfect mother, far from it.  This quote reminds me though that there are so many ways to be a good mom.  I think I am a good mom.  And I think, just for today, I will focus on more ways to be a good one instead of a perfect one.

Thanks for reading.

Having fun playing Headbands with Syd

In the Summa Summa Time

I have been slacking writing on this blog.  Major slacking.  I've wondered often, "who even reads it?" And, "why keep writing?"  I guess when I first began it was for me; the added bonus that people read it was just that, an added bonus.  I miss the blog, so here I am.  

It's the last few days of July.  It's our 7th week of summer break.  Our summer has been busy with summer swim team, visits from family, time spent with friends, and for me there has been a lot of studying.  I took my Praxis exam last week.  I'm hoping to obtain a Virginia teaching license.  I'm hoping to become a retired substitute teacher.  Ha ha.  The exam covered a lot of material.  I studied for weeks. It was a learning experience.  The kids saw me take a risk.  They saw me struggle to relearn material from 12 or more years ago.  They saw me read, a lot.  They quizzed me with flashcards and told me when I was correct, and when I was wrong.  They were my little cheerleaders.  It was difficult--the studying and the exam.  I won't know the results until late next week. It feels like being placed on "pause" for an extended amount of time.  There's nothing to do but wait.  If I passed, I can start to look for full-time teaching positions.  If I didn't pass, I will keep subbing and also plan to take the exam again.  The strangest part to me is that I feel pretty calm with either scenario.  It is what it is.  

August is knocking on the door.  For us, it's a full month of pool time, humidity, sluggish runs, bike rides, crafts, reading (fiction, not text books!), sleeping in, and fun.  Still though, August is like the Sunday of summer.  August reminds us that all good things must come to an end.  August is a forecast to the school year.  I will savor August in her heat-filled glory.  

It's all too soon I will have a 4th grader and a middle schooler.  All too soon there will be football and sweatshirts and pumpkin flavored everything.  The air conditioning will be replaced with open windows.  Our suntans will fade, but the memories of summer will remain.  Endless hours of listening to my kids in their made-up, silly games will be replaced with homework.  The leaves will change into their hues of gold.  I know it's coming.  

Hold off fall!  I will look away when I see Halloween decorations in the stores in July (I've seen them already).  Don't rush me Target.  We are still using our beach towels and wearing flip flops.  

Hold on to summer.  Turn your face to the sun and take a moment to slow down.  Stop along the way. 

Thanks for reading. 

Whatever You Set Your Mind To

March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb...so the saying goes. I think this year it came and went like a lion. It's been a crazy spring so far. Record cold. Record snow. I'm ready for warm weather to stay. 

We decided to "quit the gym" this winter. It made for some creative ways to stay active. I ran in some of the coldest temperatures I've felt in Virginia. John shared a variety of equipment with us, from bands to bars to jump ropes (picture family fitness). More recently he and Elliot decided to install a permanent pull-up bar in Elliot's room. Sydney prefers to hang upside down from it like a monkey.

Then March arrived. I didn't have many teaching assignments. After all those snow days teachers didn't need a substitute. I ran and ran and ran in preparation for the upcoming Historic Half Marathon. March was cold then warm, then cold then warm. I ran alongside melting snow. I ran over snow. I ran admiring amazing sunsets. In this past week, I ran with daffodils and budding trees. I listened to hours of music and a variety of podcats.  My favorite has been a podcast called Serial.  It's a weekly spin-off from another radio show called This American Life.  It chronicles a true story of a teenager who allegedly murdered his girlfriend.  It kept my attention and my mind off the miles, but that's not my point here.

Sunset near Route 3 on a Wednesday evening

One thing I did listen to a few times was an essay turned spoken song by Baz Luhrmann called Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen).  I first heard it during the relaxation portion of a yoga class a few years ago.  It was originally given as a commencement speech.  It has such good and simple advice.  I am putting the link here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHE_XGtUNx4).  It's 7 minutes.  It's a good reminder of many of life's "lessons."  

In March I officially ran 107.2 miles.  This is a pretty big deal to me.  I've never put in that many miles.  Maybe I'll do it again, maybe I won't.  I'm grateful though.  I'm grateful for the time I had to do it.  I'm grateful for my health so that I could do it.  Mostly though it proved to me that the body achieves what the mind believes.  The human body is capable of some impressive stuff.  Admire it.  Challenge it.  I am not saying everyone...RUN!  My hope is that we can find something we love doing and do it.  Pull ups, jump rope, swim, bike, walk...the choices are endless.  Whatever we set our minds to we can do.

Out of running shoes!

Running over snow...is it Ohio or Virginia?

Here's to spring's arrival.  Here's to April!  52 days until the pool opens!

Thanks for reading!

My favorite post run spot 

Where have you been?

Present

It's been quiet on the blog. I'm still here!

Happy new year! Christmas vacation ended today and it was hard to wake up to an alarm.  The class I taught had recess around 11 a.m.  I made a mental note that in the past two weeks it wasn't uncommon for me to still be wearing my pajamas at that time.  And, I will admit, there were a couple days that Sydney and I only got out of our pajamas to shower and then put on fresh ones.  Isn't that what vacation is for?  December should be a "happy-at-home, stay-cation-mindset" month.

Our Christmas was...early...as in predawn.  Our usual sleepy child had us up at 5 a.m.!!  By 7 o'clock all the gifts were opened, a pot of coffee was empty, and breakfast was cooking.  By 10 o'clock John and I were back in bed for a much needed nap.  The week after Christmas brought a second Christmas disguised as a visit from my parents and my dear aunt from Virginia Beach.  There were endless cookies eaten, many games of Uno played, the working of a 700 piece puzzle, and fun shopping trips.  New Years Eve was spent with friends.  The real gift of the season came on January 1 as we gathered with our guests to watch our Buckeyes capture victory over Alabama in the Sugar Bowl!  What a game! Nail biting, teeth clenching, breath holding, palms sweaty kind of game. What a great day to be a Buckeye!  I woke up on January 2nd still feeling like it was a dream.

Glorious Buckeyes

  I reflected on my expectations and all my "shoulds" for the past year.  I keep these in the deep folds of my mind.  It's never quite the safest place to go alone.  Luckily I have a few friends to share these Coo Coo's Nest thoughts with.  After listening, they don't run away from me.  They just help me untangle the Great Expectations and bring them back down to earth in a gentle way.  I looked over my journal for 2014, and again I was reminded that greater plans than what I cook up usually occur.  Prayers and people I placed into my God Box didn't hold the heavy weight they did when I placed them in there.  That's not to say the year wasn't without a tribulation or two...it's just to say that as another year drew to a close I was again able to see progress and that is a very good thing.

Kindness was my word of 2014.  I wrote about it last January.  If you missed it, you can read it by clicking here.  I wrote about how I wanted to practice more kindness towards others, especially myself.  I've also made progress there.  I was able to more often ask myself "what were you learning?" instead of "what were you thinking?"  This too is a very good thing.

NYE 2014

I also continued to run.  I conquered my first 10K and was pleased to finish in less than 1 hour.  Just before my second anniversary of becoming a "runner," I ran my furthest distance yet.  I ran 10 miles.  I did it on a solo run and it felt pretty damn good.  This prompted me to sign up (with a little less fear) for my first half marathon.  See, I'm only half crazy. :)  It's the Marine Corps Half in Fredericksburg in May.  I am scared.  I am excited.  

2015 asks for a new word.  My word this year is present.  I don't mean it as a noun, like a gift.  I mean it as an adjective.  In that form it holds this meaning:

1. being, existing, or occurring at this time or now; current
2. at this time; at hand; immediate: articles for present use
3. being with one or others or in the specified or understood place
4. existing or occurring in a place, thing, combination, or the like

I like this word already.  It’s a gentle challenge that I need.  I can use it when I’m a runner, wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend.  It will help me to just be.  It reminds me:  breathe in, breathe out...repeat.

Last night Sydney was having trouble going to sleep.  Probably because we stayed up too late and slept in too much over our break from school.  Nevertheless, I decided to just lay in her bed with her to help her settle down.  I didn't “do” anything except be present.  I felt her silky hair against my cheek.  She held my hand.  I listened to the sleepy music filling her room from her cd player.  It reminded me of the nights we listened to it rocking her and Elliot to sleep.  I love those moments as a mom.  I love the reminders of where we've been and the present moment of where we are.  They become intertwined.  Sydney drifted off to sleep and I stayed for a moment.  Just long enough to feel really present in that moment.  Breathe in, breathe out...repeat.  What a way to end vacation.

Cheers to 2015

What will your year ahead hold? 

As always, thank you for reading.

Just What I Needed

When John and I were dating he made me a mix tape. Yes, I just gave away our ages. These time-stamped, musical gems don't exist anymore (sigh). Our cars don't even have a cassette players in them. I do, however have a good memory of what was included in that song selection. There was a song by The Cars called "Just What I Needed." The name of that song couldn't be more appropriate today....

I finished my 9 week, long-term substitute teaching job yesterday. It was challenging; it was exhausting; it touched my heart in ways I never considered it would. I covered for a special education teacher. Special education teaches students in a way that addresses their individual differences and needs. It's not a one-size fits all classroom. That's only part of what makes it a challenge. That's also only part of what made it soften my heart. I may gather more of my thoughts on this for another post. I'm not sure yet. Maybe it's still too fresh in my mind. 

For today what I know is I have missed my kids. I have not been as available to them as I like to be. For me, I'm not sure there is a greater challenge than being a mom AND working full-time. 

I've slacked off on cleaning. We didn't put up any Halloween decorations except a skeleton and orange light bulbs in the porch lights (yes, it's November and yes, they are still there). There were mornings of being late and many evenings when I was out of patience and energy. It. Was. Hard. 

But, then there was today. Today there was no school. Today the weather was beautiful. Today the leaves are at peak; and I find this crazy interesting because I was afraid I'd miss leaf peak because I'd be stuck inside at school. Guess what? I didn't miss it! 

Today we went to the zoo. 

Today the kids decided we should ride the Metro into DC. Sydney brought her iPod and took 1,000 pictures. We ate ice cream for lunch and rode the carousel. I bought them stuffed animals as suveniors. Elliot hugged his prairie dog and Syd squeezed her stuffed panda. On the trek home, the kids held my hands when we switched from the red line train to the blue line train...I didn't even ask them to. We weaved through the crowed platform and I could feel Syd's sweaty hand. She told me she was scared of the noise and that she was worried about thieves. She's not really a city kid, unlike her mother. I told her "country mouse" needs to get to the city more often and reassured her she was safe. 

I'm so grateful that God gives me challenges to grow me. I'm deeply grateful that my own kids missed me and needed today just as much as I did.  The days are long but the years are oh, so short.  

Today I was just a mom. Just a mom. It was just what I needed. 

Thank you for reading.

Long Live Summer

Hilton Head Island, August 2014

Today is my last Friday of summer vacation.  I accepted a long-term assignment at the kids' school for the first few weeks of summer.  It's an assignment in special education.  I suspect I'll be writing about my experience. How is it when we leave school on that coveted "last day" it seems the whole summer is before us, but all of a sudden I'm scrambling to get supplies together?  I'm quizzing the kids on their math facts while we are riding in the car doing back-to-school errands because I'm worried they've forgotten everything they worked so hard to learn.  Our library bag has been heavy this summer and Sydney has literally walked into many walls because her nose has been stuck in a book, but the math facts...oh the math facts.  Forgive me in advance, teachers.  If grades were awarded by how much time we spent swimming and laughing, my kids would get stellar grades. :)

Some of this summer's highlights have included swim team, more lost teeth, an extended visit from my niece, miles of runs and bike rides, a trip to Hilton Head Island, and sleeping in late.  It's been a rarity to see Miss Sydney before 9 a.m.  Even Elliot has been sawing logs until 8 o'clock!

I could be hard on myself for not doing "enough" of the math facts, crafting, or chores; but this morning I am instead reflecting on what's been good and fun and memorable.  If my kids can look back at this summer and say it was great then my work here is done.  I hope on that first writing assignment of "what did you do this summer?" that it's hard for them to choose just one thing.  I know for me it is.

So, here's to one of our last weekends of warm weather and sitting poolside.  Here's to humidity and Sydney Brown Berry (this kid gets her skin from my dad and she's soooo tan!).  Here's to delicious summer foods and underwater pool pictures.  Here's to family cartwheel contests and visits to Sweet Frog.  Long.  Live.  Summer.

Thanks for reading and best of luck transitioning back into the school year.  You can follow our adventures here on the blog or on Instagram.  I'm @mrsv_runsoncoffee.

Underwater photos are so much fun!

Biking Hilton Head

Into the ocean she goes

Elliot goofing around

Magnificent is being 7

Breaking Up with Facebook

Dear Facebook, it's over....

I. Love. Summer. I love the weather, the relaxed schedule, the extra time at home. I love summer foods...fresh veggies, local berries, ice cream, grilling more often, and s'mores roasted over the fire pit. I love summer sunsets. I love going for long runs under the shade of trees and seeing the puffy white clouds and brilliant blue skies. I love the freckles that scatter across Elliot's face and nose. I especially love seeing my kids swim with their friends at the pool. Best of all? NO SCHOOL!!

I've enjoyed another year substitute teaching, but wow! It feels great to get a break. Speaking of breaks, that brings me to what this post is about. I'm breaking up with Facebook. 

I've found myself spending too much time plugged into Facebook. It can be fun to see how the people I'm connected to are spending their summer. Facebook is good for making quick plans or for me to reach a group easily. Lately though I'm feeling more of an overload of information after looking through my news feed. There are too many ads, too many suggestions for pages to "like."  Too much information.  It's time for me to cut the cord. 

Maybe I'll take Facebook back after the summer.  Maybe things will be different in a few months.  Maybe I'll change.  Perhaps that old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies to Facebook too.  For now though, I am serious about ending this relationship.  Facebook has a built-in guilt meter.  I felt a pang of guilt this morning when I deleted the app from my iPhone.  Facebook is like that second slice of cake.  You want to indulge, but later you regret it.  I'm treating this break up like ripping off a Band-Aid. One swift action and then the pain will quickly ease. Facebook was my fix.  The only way I can make this break up less painful is by going cold turkey.  

My teenage niece, Spenser, is visiting us from Ohio. She's been spending a chunk of her summer vacation with us in Virginia since she was 6. Spenser doesn't strike me as your "average teenager."  Her cell phone battery dies and not from too much usage. She doesn't even use Facebook at all (I realize too, it's not the "cool thing" for teens anyway), but I'm amazed, and inspired, by her ability to create and keep a social media boundary. I need a better boundary. 

Summer is short and fleeting. I wait all year for it to arrive. I want to savor it. I also want more of the peace I see Spenser have. I want to push myself to connect to my friends on a more authentic level. I imagine they will "like" seeing less of my posts in their news feeds too. 

So here's to summer. Forgive me in advance if I seem out of the loop because I will be.  

Thanks for reading!  Have a great summer.  You can email or call me.  And, I still Instagram because I love photos. :)  To find me on Instagram search mrsv_runsoncoffee.