And so it begins...

A new school year.  New adventures.  Never before experiences.

All the newness a new school year brings is exciting.  I felt it like the buzz of a bee yesterday.  The new school supplies, outfits, and friendships.  It's a reconnecting to what gets pushed to the side in the glory of summer.  Suddenly we are making new habits, waking up early, and waiting for the weather to cool off.

Yesterday, I began my first year as a true faculty member.  My crisp license is proof that I have finally reached the milestone I have wanted.  I spent the week prior preparing lesson plans and decorating my windowless room in cheery colors.  I rearranged the desks multiple times, sitting in the seats myself so I could feel sure that each student would have an unobstructed view of the board.  

I taught a lesson yesterday in each of my five classes on value.  I began the lesson by holding up a five dollar bill.  If you ever want to get the undivided attention of 8th graders, hold up money.  My question was, "If I were to give away this five dollars, which of you would want it?"  In each class almost every hand shot up.  I admired their enthusiasm.  The ones who didn't raise their hand showed me an expression of immediate skepticism, which I also admire.  I then respond with, "Before handing it over, there’s something I must do." Furiously I crumpled it, and ask again, "Who still wants this bill?" "And what if I do this?" I threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kick it, stamp on it and again hold up the bill – all dirty and crumpled. I repeat my original question.  Guess what, they still want the money.  Even after I pretend to wipe my nose with it, cough on it, and remind them it's been on the floor--in a school.  Then I asked, "Why do we still want this money?"  In a choral response they answer, "Because it's still five dollars." 

I then told them, “Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”  It's very quiet in the classroom at this point.  So, I add, "How do you think our class, our school, would look different if we truly believe they matter and their peers matter?"  I read the following, which is from a blog that offered this activity to his class the following: 

"If we believe that we matter, we will be brave enough to share our ideas and answers, because we know that getting a wrong answer doesn’t make us any less of a person. If we believe that we matter, then we have to believe that our learning matters, and we will take the time to ask questions when we don’t understand something.  If we believe our classmates matter, we will listen when they share without interrupting or making sarcastic comments that make them feel unimportant.  If we believe that kid sitting alone in the cafeteria matters, we will take the time to say hi and introduce ourselves. If we believe that people in the world matter, we will believe that cultural differences are good and different, rather than just wrong, we will look at people from other languages and cultures as interesting and unique, because if they have value, then the things that are important to them should be important to us too."  

After this reading it is very quiet.  I then told them that as cheesy as all this sounds, as High School Musical as I may be making our school out to sound, it is possible.  We can buy into value.  We can make it one of our habits of this new school year.  It isn't easy, but I remember the quote "nothing worthwhile is easy."  What truth.  

This school year, I am scared, excited, humbled, and tired already.  I don't want to make mistakes, but I know I will because if I don't I probably am not learning the hard lessons life wants us to learn.  There will be rewards though.  Students already say hello to me in the hallway.  One student emailed me an eBook she's authoring.  It's 85 typed pages!  What a dream come true!  

The superintendent welcomed us to the new year and reminded us that teaching is the hardest job we will ever love. I think he's right already.  

Here's to a great school year.  Thanks for reading. 

The Brick Wall

Since July I have been waiting to say two words.  I passed.  This evening I got an email that verified my right to say them.  I passed.  I studied for months. I passed.  I failed the first time, but some say failure is proof we are trying.  I passed.

I recently listened to the audio book by Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture.  What a story.  I was inspired, moved, humbled, and grateful.  Dr. Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University.  He died at the age of 47 from pancreatic cancer.  He was a brilliant computer scientist.  Before his death in 2008 he gave a last lecture.  He lectured in front of his family, students, faculty, former associates, and others.  In his last lecture he gave practical advice.  The book chronicled things he wanted his kids to remember about him, and important things he wanted to be able to teach them through his words, long after he had left this earth.  He spoke about the love he had for his wife, how they met, and what kind of husband he hoped he'd been to her.  It was simple, but profound.  In the lecture he spoke about brick walls.  This part made my ears perk up.  

I had studied for months for the teacher licensure exam in the state of Virginia.  I had spent months recalling information that had been long-since been forgotten since I college graduation.  Over the summer my pool bag didn't hold its regular fun items like diving sticks and extra goggles.  Instead it held flashcards, lists of literary terms, writings on Shakespeare and iambic pentameter, textbooks on grammar, etc....really exciting stuff.  I took the exam in late July.  I waited the agonizing 10-15 business day window only to find out I did not pass.  I was crushed.  I hit the brick wall.  Hard.  

The brick wall was keeping me from what I wanted--a career in teaching.  The brick wall was telling me crazy things like "you aren't smart enough," "you can't pass this," and "move on."  I didn't want to listen to the brick wall, but I felt defeated.  I questioned my abilities.  I let some time pass.  

In September I was ready to dust off the books again.  I made new lists.  I made more flashcards.  I watched YouTube videos on Shakespeare and sentence structure.  I moved material from the back burner to the front burner and put that sucker on high heat.  
I took the exam again in mid-November.  Just a couple hours ago I got the email I've been waiting for.  The brick wall isn't there to keep me out.  What I heard from Dr. Pausch about his own life, pertains to mine.  The quote is below.

Not passing the first time was a brick wall, but it wasn't meant to keep me out as I had originally believed.  It was to show me how badly I really wanted to pass.

So, take that brick wall!

Thanks for reading.



Kindness

Happy 2014!  I'm excited about a new year. Now is the time for resolutions.  The word resolution is defined as: 1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination. 2. A resolving to do something.  As we all have heard many "resolutions" aren't kept.  Habits are hard to break and new ones can be even more challenging to begin.  


It's been over a year since I incorporated running into my regular routine.  When I began a year ago it took me over 11 minutes to run a mile.  It was difficult to run a full mile without taking a break to walk.  I had hip and knee pain and lots of soreness.  I kept going though.  At some point during this past year there was a shift.  There was a moment when running turned from something I dreaded into something I enjoy.  I don't always like it when I'm in the middle of it, but I always like it when I've finished.  I love the way I feel when I think I can't go any further and yet I do.  Just before Christmas I ran in a 5K race and finished in under 30 minutes.  I actually came in 2nd in my age group.  Who would've ever dreamed? Certainly not me!  I resolved to do what I didn't think possible.  I had a firm determination.  Running wasn't my "official" resolution of 2013.  I just wanted to try to keep going, try to improve.  
When I started running I was running from weight I didn't want to gain back (from the 50 pounds I'd lost, some was creeping back on).  I was also running from emotions that were too big for me to feel.  I was running from my own inner voice that tells me I can't do something. I guess that voice is a liar. :) 
A friend of mine chooses a word of the year and makes that her focus.  I love that idea; I love it more than a resolution.  Knowing she would be sharing her word got me thinking about doing this too.  After a bit of mediation and reflection I decided my word of 2014 is KINDNESS.  Kindness is a virtue, and represents a caring towards others.  Practicing kindness towards others has been shown to increase our own happiness...and who doesn't want to be happier?  I will use kindness in that way, but I am using it to go one step further.  I am "resolving" to be kinder to myself.  I will be using kindness to gauge my actions.  
I've been unkind to myself.  Overeating wasn't treating myself with kindness.  My negative self-talk isn't kind.  Saying yes, when I want to say no, isn't being kind to myself either.  I'm better than I was, but I'm not where I want to be.  I hope to use 2014 as a year to grow in kindness to others and myself.  
Being kind to myself means I can make mistakes and not ask "what were you thinking?"  Instead I can ask, "what was I learning?"  I have a lot to learn.  
I look back at photos of myself when I was overweight (there aren't many because I didn't want them taken).  I see someone who was not kind to herself.  I see someone who was hurting.  I compare that girl to who I am now.  I see progress.  I'll never be perfect, perfection isn't what my path is about.  But, I need to keep looking at those pictures to remind myself that I have grown.  It's an inside job that shows on the outside too. 

As I wrote above, habits are hard to break.  My focus on kindness is a new habit.  I've written about my own struggle with habits in a previous posts you can read by clicking here (Hard Habit to Break) and also another by clicking here (Defeating Chocolate Cake).

At my heaviest                    At my current weight

Giving the toast at my sister's wedding.  I went on to gain another 10 pounds!

What is your focus for 2014?  Where do you want to be by 2015?  Perhaps we can encourage each other.  
Thank you for reading. 

The Cool Whip Diet

Do you like Cool Whip?  Cool Whip is sweet, fluffy and airy.  It’s quite the compliment to pie.  I read a really interesting blog this week about a Cool Whip diet.  A Cool Whip diet???  No, sorry the diet isn’t to eat tubs and tubs of Cool Whip.  Actually the blogger pointed out that so many of us already do just that.  She was using an analogy that we attempt to feed our hearts and souls with something that cannot fill us.  She said, “Cool Whip is tasty, but it doesn’t really contain anything that can sustain us.”  How much of the stuff that we do all day is Cool Whip?  We keep eating by the spoonful but are never satisfied. 

I’ve been on a Facebook break, a sort of fast, during Lent this year.  My grandfather was a Methodist Minister.  He passed away when I was pretty young.  One of the memories I have of him was his encouragement to make a sacrifice during Lent.  It’s funny to me that I chose to break away from Facebook before reading the Cool Whip blog this week.  There was also a video message about the “diet” that went along with the blog.  As I listened to the message I could not help but relate to some of the things being said.  I, like many people, see what gets posted on Facebook and then find myself feeling inadequate.  I was reminded that when we compare the best parts of someone else’s life against the less than best parts of our own life, we will never feel worthy.  Wow!  How did I overlook something so simple? What I had really done, like so many others, was eaten a lot of Cool Whip.  No wonder I didn’t feel satisfied.

Now, I am not saying that Facebook and other forms of social media are all bad.  There are things about Facebook that are fun!  I love to see photos of my friend’s kids that I don’t get to see enough in person.  I enjoy posting birthday wishes to friends.  I like the links people post to recipes and recommendations of good books.  It’s just that for me I was feeling the Cool Whip effect.  I was taking in a lot virtual calories, but I was STILL HUNGRY!

I can tell you since I have Facebook fasted I have made more phone calls.  I have sent personal emails.  I have reached out to friends on a more personal level.  I have read more books, more blogs, and concentrated more on my Bible study.  I have given more of my undivided attention to my family.  I’ve also felt a bit isolated, a bit out of the loop, but LESS HUNGRY! :o)

That blog and video also got me wondering what are the other areas of Cool Whip in life?  Certainly there are things we have to do.  Laundry has to get done; dinner doesn’t make itself, but, what do we do (or “eat” rather) that isn’t filling us? 

I hope this got you thinking, like it did me.  I so want to live an intentional life.  I will get back to Facebook, but it will be like the real consumption of Cool Whip in my diet…that key word my husband uses, MODERATION.

Thanks for reading.

PS, if you want to watch the video here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INmvnIhzxe0&lr=1

Where Are Your Roots?

Grandpa Dex delivering milk

Roots.  Some roots run really deep.  I’m amazed by the strength of some roots.  They hold strong and run deep.  A dandelion may only be a few inches tall, but removing it from the soil will sometimes show a plant with roots twice as long as the flower.  I realized the other day, as I was working though a study for my women’s Lifegroup, that I have some strong roots.  And, that can be good, but it can also impede my growth if I am not aware of how deeply I may be rooted in one area.

I have this t-shirt that has an outline of the state of Ohio (the great Buckeye State).  Near the bottom of the state line roots are growing out.  The shirt reads “Ohio Roots.”  I am proud of this shirt.  My Ohio roots go way back.  My great-grandfather, Dexter John Spaulding, was born in Ohio 116 years ago this year.  I was fortunate enough to know this great man.  He was raised by corn farmers in an area of Ohio where the soil is rich.  When we went to college he received an award for his corn farming skills.  My uncle has the framed certificate that Grandpa Dexter was awarded that reads “corn is king.”  He went on to become a dairy farmer.  On that farm was where he and my great-grandmother, Louella, raised my amazing grandma and her 2 remarkable sisters.  Spaulding Dairy was well known in Fulton County, Ohio.

When I was a kid we used to visit the family farm on weekends.  The acres of land seemed to stretch beyond what the eye could see.  The farm house was surrounded by huge walnut trees.  I remember gathering up the walnuts still snug in their outer green skins.  As a kid, that farm was heavenly—a place to run free, get dirty and make memories.  Grandpa “Dex” as everyone called him was a gentle, God-loving man.  He bought us mini crullers to eat for breakfast, played cards with us for hours, and took us bowling in the evenings.  He was a great bowler, a lefty.  This southpaw trait passed on to my mom and now to Elliot and one of my nieces.  Roots have a way of growing deep into families too.

I never dreamed I would live life outside of Ohio.  I always assumed I would raise a family in the familiar Buckeye state.  My roots were planted.  There are times though that God calls us out of the familiar.  In 2000 I moved out of Ohio to follow John, my own Buckeye, when he took a job in Virginia.  Love makes your heart grow in new ways, new roots.   

I spent many months, even parts of some years after that move, working through tears and growth—weeping as the author of the study calls it (referring to Ruth 1:7-14).  I realized after reading that passage, that part of what made that move so difficult were roots.  Firm roots in Ohio made it really difficult to plant new ones in Virginia.  I was weeping over my roots without moving forward at the same time.  It’s okay to have roots in Ohio, it’s where I was born and raised.  It’s okay to weep over that loss or to feel homesick, which I still do some days.  What I cannot do though is not have forward movement at the same time…I need to love Virginia too.  I can say that in the past 5 years I have grown to.  After all, it’s where my kids’ roots are.  Kelly Minter, the author of the study, wrote “Although there will be weeping in this life, the direction in which we weep is what truly matters.  God sees your tears.  Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don’t let them stop you.  It’s possible to cry and walk.” 

We all face loss, pain, heartache and difficult things and places in life.  We have to keep walking forward though.  If we stop moving forward we will face defeat. 

I used to say “I’m a Buckeye at heart.”  I think now I will think of myself as a Buckeye at the root, but a Virginian at heart. 

Thanks for reading.

My Ohio Roots T-Shirt

This Is My Story

Circle S Farm near Columbus October 2010

As many readers of this blog know, I was raised in Central Ohio.  I grew up just minutes from downtown Columbus.  Grandview Heights is a quaint suburb that boasts trendy restaurants and tree-lined streets with sidewalks and street lamps.  Older Craftsman style homes sit close together shaded by big, old trees.  It’s an area of Columbus that is sought after.  It’s safe, quiet, and represents the “American Dream.”  It may appear as if each house replicates the one beside it.  Nothing particular stands out…it has this almost monochromatic appearance. But, behind every door of every home is a story.  I have a story.

I have two sisters.  I am sandwiched in the middle.  My parents started dating when they were 16.  They married 2 months after graduating from high school.  They are still married today.  Life in our house had a lot of ups and a lot of downs.  That statement isn’t uncommon from many others—I realize that, but we hid pain.  

I have an alcoholic in my life.  It’s something that has had a profound effect on my life. 

My family has been healing over the past 2 1/2 years.  We have shared our story. A story of addiction.  A story of pain.  A story of recovery. 

I couldn’t have predicted this.  I couldn’t have predicted a rock bottom and from that bottom an ability to see God’s plan for life.  It had been one of those prayers you pray for years.  The kind of prayer that sometimes makes you feel angry with God because you wonder if you are being heard.  I prayed for change.  I prayed for peace. I prayed for healing.  I am assured that God heard my prayers.  God felt the pain from my heart.  Like Matthew Barnett wrote, "rock bottom is where God takes us to recreate us."

There have been so many times in my life that I wished for a different scenario.  There have been times when I asked “why me?” or “why these circumstances?”  I don’t know if I will ever have complete answers to those questions, but in more recent years I have actually found myself grateful for what I lived through (not every day but most days).

I work my own program of recovery through Al-Anon.  Al-Anon is a program for friends and family members that have been affected by someone’s use of drugs and/or alcohol.   It’s sort of like a mutual support group.  I feel like an equal when I am there.  There is no judgment; it feels safe.  It’s been healing and has allowed me to grow.  I can’t imagine growing up in a situation that caused pain, but having nowhere to turn to heal.  It has been the best 12 steps I have taken. 

My older sister posted this today on her Facebook, “Everyone has a story.  Even when we're part of someone else's story, we may not see it the same.  Sometimes we need to hear one tell their own story to really appreciate their journey.”

I agree with my sister...when we really listen to another person’s story we can really appreciate their journey.  This post is just a piece of mine.

If you want more information on Al-Anon click here.  Thank you for reading.

Happy New Year?

First snowfall of 2012

It's 2012!  Actually we are almost halfway through January already!  Did you make any resolutions?  According to the internet, ONLY 8% of resolutions made are kept.  8%!!  Those are stiff statistics to overcome.  However, if we built change against the odds of statistics there wouldn't be much success.  A friend reminded me of a Nathaniel Branden quote, which is "The first step towards change is awareness."  In case you are wondering, the second step is acceptance.  Powerful words!

Maybe there isn't much you are looking to change this year.  Maybe you are glad to have 2011 over and done with.  Maybe you feel sad that 2011 has ended because it was a great year for you.  I'm not sure where you are.  I feel more like holding on to 2011 because it was a good year for me and my family.  That being said, I welcome a new year and look forward to the possibilities it holds.  I'm thankful even for the challenges that 2011 put in my path because I grew in ways I hadn't anticipated.

Here a few my favorite 2011 highlights:

Sydney started Kindergarten and is learning to read.
John was baptized and our kids were there to witness it.
Elliot read a 476 page book, on his own, and it didn't have a single picture!
We experienced our first family trip to Disney's Magic Kingdom.
My sister, Emily, had her first baby.
I started this blog, which reminded me how much I love to write.

I feel deep appreciation for many other things that happened too...it's just that those really stick out to me.

I've looked at my life since January 1st and took a little inventory.  There are things I want to change.  I want to be more organized around our house.  I want to learn the names of the books of the Bible, in order.  I want to maintain my gym routine. But, aside from those things I really want to show a deep appreciation for what I already have.

Sydney and Elliot request to sleep in Elliot's room together every night.  Sometimes I stand outside the door and listen to them whisper to each other.  They say the most beautiful prayers to each other.  They pray for our cat that went to "cat heaven" in 2011.  They talk about what they will do when they are in heaven.  It's adorable and so innocent.  It's in those moments that I don't want another year to arrive...I want to bottle up this time and save it forever.  I need to somehow show deep appreciation for these moments.

So, I'm back to the odds.  There's that 8% again.  As Mr. Branden stated...the first step in change is awareness.  I'm going to apply that quote to my life, and also pray that God will give me the perseverance to move forward.  Besides, I read a great quote today from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love.  "If you improve just 1% a day, in 100 days you’ll be 100%."  Those are odds I can live with.

Thanks for reading.