Where have you been?

Present

It's been quiet on the blog. I'm still here!

Happy new year! Christmas vacation ended today and it was hard to wake up to an alarm.  The class I taught had recess around 11 a.m.  I made a mental note that in the past two weeks it wasn't uncommon for me to still be wearing my pajamas at that time.  And, I will admit, there were a couple days that Sydney and I only got out of our pajamas to shower and then put on fresh ones.  Isn't that what vacation is for?  December should be a "happy-at-home, stay-cation-mindset" month.

Our Christmas was...early...as in predawn.  Our usual sleepy child had us up at 5 a.m.!!  By 7 o'clock all the gifts were opened, a pot of coffee was empty, and breakfast was cooking.  By 10 o'clock John and I were back in bed for a much needed nap.  The week after Christmas brought a second Christmas disguised as a visit from my parents and my dear aunt from Virginia Beach.  There were endless cookies eaten, many games of Uno played, the working of a 700 piece puzzle, and fun shopping trips.  New Years Eve was spent with friends.  The real gift of the season came on January 1 as we gathered with our guests to watch our Buckeyes capture victory over Alabama in the Sugar Bowl!  What a game! Nail biting, teeth clenching, breath holding, palms sweaty kind of game. What a great day to be a Buckeye!  I woke up on January 2nd still feeling like it was a dream.

Glorious Buckeyes

  I reflected on my expectations and all my "shoulds" for the past year.  I keep these in the deep folds of my mind.  It's never quite the safest place to go alone.  Luckily I have a few friends to share these Coo Coo's Nest thoughts with.  After listening, they don't run away from me.  They just help me untangle the Great Expectations and bring them back down to earth in a gentle way.  I looked over my journal for 2014, and again I was reminded that greater plans than what I cook up usually occur.  Prayers and people I placed into my God Box didn't hold the heavy weight they did when I placed them in there.  That's not to say the year wasn't without a tribulation or two...it's just to say that as another year drew to a close I was again able to see progress and that is a very good thing.

Kindness was my word of 2014.  I wrote about it last January.  If you missed it, you can read it by clicking here.  I wrote about how I wanted to practice more kindness towards others, especially myself.  I've also made progress there.  I was able to more often ask myself "what were you learning?" instead of "what were you thinking?"  This too is a very good thing.

NYE 2014

I also continued to run.  I conquered my first 10K and was pleased to finish in less than 1 hour.  Just before my second anniversary of becoming a "runner," I ran my furthest distance yet.  I ran 10 miles.  I did it on a solo run and it felt pretty damn good.  This prompted me to sign up (with a little less fear) for my first half marathon.  See, I'm only half crazy. :)  It's the Marine Corps Half in Fredericksburg in May.  I am scared.  I am excited.  

2015 asks for a new word.  My word this year is present.  I don't mean it as a noun, like a gift.  I mean it as an adjective.  In that form it holds this meaning:

1. being, existing, or occurring at this time or now; current
2. at this time; at hand; immediate: articles for present use
3. being with one or others or in the specified or understood place
4. existing or occurring in a place, thing, combination, or the like

I like this word already.  It’s a gentle challenge that I need.  I can use it when I’m a runner, wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend.  It will help me to just be.  It reminds me:  breathe in, breathe out...repeat.

Last night Sydney was having trouble going to sleep.  Probably because we stayed up too late and slept in too much over our break from school.  Nevertheless, I decided to just lay in her bed with her to help her settle down.  I didn't “do” anything except be present.  I felt her silky hair against my cheek.  She held my hand.  I listened to the sleepy music filling her room from her cd player.  It reminded me of the nights we listened to it rocking her and Elliot to sleep.  I love those moments as a mom.  I love the reminders of where we've been and the present moment of where we are.  They become intertwined.  Sydney drifted off to sleep and I stayed for a moment.  Just long enough to feel really present in that moment.  Breathe in, breathe out...repeat.  What a way to end vacation.

Cheers to 2015

What will your year ahead hold? 

As always, thank you for reading.

Kindness

Happy 2014!  I'm excited about a new year. Now is the time for resolutions.  The word resolution is defined as: 1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination. 2. A resolving to do something.  As we all have heard many "resolutions" aren't kept.  Habits are hard to break and new ones can be even more challenging to begin.  


It's been over a year since I incorporated running into my regular routine.  When I began a year ago it took me over 11 minutes to run a mile.  It was difficult to run a full mile without taking a break to walk.  I had hip and knee pain and lots of soreness.  I kept going though.  At some point during this past year there was a shift.  There was a moment when running turned from something I dreaded into something I enjoy.  I don't always like it when I'm in the middle of it, but I always like it when I've finished.  I love the way I feel when I think I can't go any further and yet I do.  Just before Christmas I ran in a 5K race and finished in under 30 minutes.  I actually came in 2nd in my age group.  Who would've ever dreamed? Certainly not me!  I resolved to do what I didn't think possible.  I had a firm determination.  Running wasn't my "official" resolution of 2013.  I just wanted to try to keep going, try to improve.  
When I started running I was running from weight I didn't want to gain back (from the 50 pounds I'd lost, some was creeping back on).  I was also running from emotions that were too big for me to feel.  I was running from my own inner voice that tells me I can't do something. I guess that voice is a liar. :) 
A friend of mine chooses a word of the year and makes that her focus.  I love that idea; I love it more than a resolution.  Knowing she would be sharing her word got me thinking about doing this too.  After a bit of mediation and reflection I decided my word of 2014 is KINDNESS.  Kindness is a virtue, and represents a caring towards others.  Practicing kindness towards others has been shown to increase our own happiness...and who doesn't want to be happier?  I will use kindness in that way, but I am using it to go one step further.  I am "resolving" to be kinder to myself.  I will be using kindness to gauge my actions.  
I've been unkind to myself.  Overeating wasn't treating myself with kindness.  My negative self-talk isn't kind.  Saying yes, when I want to say no, isn't being kind to myself either.  I'm better than I was, but I'm not where I want to be.  I hope to use 2014 as a year to grow in kindness to others and myself.  
Being kind to myself means I can make mistakes and not ask "what were you thinking?"  Instead I can ask, "what was I learning?"  I have a lot to learn.  
I look back at photos of myself when I was overweight (there aren't many because I didn't want them taken).  I see someone who was not kind to herself.  I see someone who was hurting.  I compare that girl to who I am now.  I see progress.  I'll never be perfect, perfection isn't what my path is about.  But, I need to keep looking at those pictures to remind myself that I have grown.  It's an inside job that shows on the outside too. 

As I wrote above, habits are hard to break.  My focus on kindness is a new habit.  I've written about my own struggle with habits in a previous posts you can read by clicking here (Hard Habit to Break) and also another by clicking here (Defeating Chocolate Cake).

At my heaviest                    At my current weight

Giving the toast at my sister's wedding.  I went on to gain another 10 pounds!

What is your focus for 2014?  Where do you want to be by 2015?  Perhaps we can encourage each other.  
Thank you for reading. 

Thoughts from the Treadmill?

I first heard this slogan, “you can’t out exercise a bad diet” from my healthy husband, John.  Now it rings in my head as I attempt to become a runner.  I’ve been running about 5 times a week now.  I am going to admit something about running.  I don’t like it.  It is such a struggle for me.  I make strange facial expressions while I run.  I sweat.  A lot.  My face turns red.  I listen to very loud music.  And, I think too much.

I have this incredibly annoying habit of over analyzing EVERYTHING.  My brain seriously over processes just about every thought that enters my mind.  A friend of mine calls this “introspective.”  Perhaps I think this way since my personality is much more extroverted.  I have no idea.  I’m sure I’ll think about it some more to come to a better conclusion.  What I do know is that my introspective thought patterns carry over while I am exercising.  I have asked other runners, “What do you think about when you run?”  Their response baffles me.  Do you know what it is?  It’s one word:  NOTHING.  I mean really!  How do you think of nothing?  When I am running I think about how much I don’t want to run.  I think of grocery lists and appointments I need to make.  I keep looking at the time and distance on the treadmill’s monitor.  The little red digital numbers blink at me as if they are taunting me.  I check my heart rate monitor more often than necessary.  Minutes have to last longer when I am moving at 6.5 mph—they have to. 

I watch other gym members as they run, seemingly effortlessly, at higher rates of speed.  Their backsides don’t move as much as mine does.  And, as I do this I begin to have a conversation with myself that tells me to just pay attention to what I am doing, stop comparing myself to other people, get through the next 30 minutes, and try to relax the muscles in my face so that I am not grimacing.  Sometimes I even pray—just small prayers.  I ask for the strength to get through; to finish what I started.  What I have just described is only part of my thoughts.  Ugh…why do I do this again?

I do this because I want to be healthy.  I run because I love to feel strong.  I run because when it’s over I feel like I accomplished something good.  I run because I don’t want to gain back the 50 pounds I lost 3 years ago.  I run because I want to be a good example for my kids.  I run because I want John to know how much he influences me with his own healthy actions.  And, I run out of fear.  I have a small growth on one of my lungs that is being monitored.  When I run and I am winded, I think about that growth and I think that getting fresh oxygen into my body is a good way to fight whatever it is that is there.

I also do this because as John told me years ago, “you can’t out exercise a bad diet.”  I still track what I eat by writing it down at least 3 days a week.  When I track what goes into my mouth it’s more good stuff and less junk.  The running is just a piece of my own healthy “pie.”  Yes, I had to say pie because I need to create that visual in my mind.  I’m creating my own pie of experience, strength and hope.  My experience portion of the pie is pretty large.  The experience part is made up of foods I eat, and want to eat but avoid, my own life story, and lots of smaller ingredients.  But, as I continue to get healthier (in mind and body), my strength and hope portions of the pie will become more equal parts.  I think that sounds pretty cool and much more balanced. 

As we celebrate the start of 2013 I hope to see the surge at the gym continue.  I hope to see excitement carry on past January.  I hope to learn how to turn off my mind a little more with each turn on the treadmill. 

Happy New Year!  Here’s to healthy 2013.

Happy New Year?

First snowfall of 2012

It's 2012!  Actually we are almost halfway through January already!  Did you make any resolutions?  According to the internet, ONLY 8% of resolutions made are kept.  8%!!  Those are stiff statistics to overcome.  However, if we built change against the odds of statistics there wouldn't be much success.  A friend reminded me of a Nathaniel Branden quote, which is "The first step towards change is awareness."  In case you are wondering, the second step is acceptance.  Powerful words!

Maybe there isn't much you are looking to change this year.  Maybe you are glad to have 2011 over and done with.  Maybe you feel sad that 2011 has ended because it was a great year for you.  I'm not sure where you are.  I feel more like holding on to 2011 because it was a good year for me and my family.  That being said, I welcome a new year and look forward to the possibilities it holds.  I'm thankful even for the challenges that 2011 put in my path because I grew in ways I hadn't anticipated.

Here a few my favorite 2011 highlights:

Sydney started Kindergarten and is learning to read.
John was baptized and our kids were there to witness it.
Elliot read a 476 page book, on his own, and it didn't have a single picture!
We experienced our first family trip to Disney's Magic Kingdom.
My sister, Emily, had her first baby.
I started this blog, which reminded me how much I love to write.

I feel deep appreciation for many other things that happened too...it's just that those really stick out to me.

I've looked at my life since January 1st and took a little inventory.  There are things I want to change.  I want to be more organized around our house.  I want to learn the names of the books of the Bible, in order.  I want to maintain my gym routine. But, aside from those things I really want to show a deep appreciation for what I already have.

Sydney and Elliot request to sleep in Elliot's room together every night.  Sometimes I stand outside the door and listen to them whisper to each other.  They say the most beautiful prayers to each other.  They pray for our cat that went to "cat heaven" in 2011.  They talk about what they will do when they are in heaven.  It's adorable and so innocent.  It's in those moments that I don't want another year to arrive...I want to bottle up this time and save it forever.  I need to somehow show deep appreciation for these moments.

So, I'm back to the odds.  There's that 8% again.  As Mr. Branden stated...the first step in change is awareness.  I'm going to apply that quote to my life, and also pray that God will give me the perseverance to move forward.  Besides, I read a great quote today from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love.  "If you improve just 1% a day, in 100 days you’ll be 100%."  Those are odds I can live with.

Thanks for reading.